Undercard
Alan Belcher vs. Wilson Gouveia
I think, of all the last names I’ve heard, the one I would least enjoy owning as my own last name would be Belcher. Mr. Belcher. It doesn’t even sound real. I’d have to say though, if I was young Alan, and that was the last name I was saddled with.. I would at least try to embrace it. Alan Belcher’s nickname is “The Talent”. He needs to change that to “The Talented”. Alan “The Talented” Belcher. Now that’s a guy you don’t want to fight.
Gouveia via proper etiquette.
Matt Wiman vs. Shane Nelson
Both of these fighters were on the Ultimate Fighter reality show, albeit different seasons. Shane Nelson trains with BJ Penn. I don’t know who Matt Wiman trains with, but he bills himself as “Handsome” Matt Wiiman, which is bold. With that high quality fight analysis now out of the way, I’d like to speak for a second on something that has really been bothering me as of late. Namely, winter. What is the point of this season? Why do people (myself included) even live in climates that have to deal with it? And don’t give me the “I like winter, I like to snowboard” counter-argument. Snow is great… when it’s on a mountain. That’s the optimal location for snow if your end goal is to slide on a board across it. I’ve never snowboarded on my driveway, yet, that’s where the vast majority of snow in my life ends up. What a stupid season.
Wiman via decision (depressing, like winter)
Johny Hendricks vs. Ricardo Funch
I’ll be honest with you. I’ve never heard of Ricardo Funch. Wikipedia tells me that, although he was born in Brazil, he trains in Ludlow, Massachusetts. My lord. Of all the places you could train, you choose Ludlow, MA. That tells me all I need to know about young Ricardo’s decision making skills (skillz).
Hendricks via psychedelic guitar solo.
Paul Harris vs. Len Harris
Okay, the fight is actually between Rousimar Palhares and Lucio Linhares. Those are weird names that are hard to spell. In fact, I had to look at wikipedia twice right now to make sure I had them right. Considering you already pronounce their respective last names “Paul Harris” and “Len Harris” anyways… why not just go with that? It makes it easier for people to write about you. People should be more concerned about their “ease-of-being-written-about” quotient.
Paul Harris via slick Brazilian Jiu Jitsu submission (not very American)
Damarques Johnson vs. Edgar Garcia
Damarques is another TUF reality show alumni. I’m also not particularly sure he’s very good. If I could get back on topic though, let me say… winter is really the worst part of my life. I walked my dog this morning in a -45 wind chill. Minus forty-five. Let that sink in for a second. Even worse, my dog doesn’t seem to mind. He seems pretty sure that walks should still be occurring with summer-esque frequency, in fact. Consequently, I am beginning to resent my dog.
Garcia via KO (exciting)
Kevin Burns vs. T.J. Grant
What’s that? T.J. Grant is Canadian? Hmmm. Let me just factor that in to my UFC prediction-making-process. There we are.
T.J. Grant via Canadian citizenship (devastating)
Main Card
Paul Buentello vs. Stefan Struve
In what will assuredly be the most visually hilarious fight on the card, the UFC serves us up the classic battle between… an overweight, 35 year-old Texican, and a 6’11″ Dutch guy who looks like he’s 14 years old. If we’re learned anything from the previous 100 or so UFC events, it is that the slight statistical advantage in this situation belongs to the freakishly tall Dutch fighter.
Stevan Struve via Skyscraper Suplex (which I can only assume is his WWF-style finishing move that he uses to finish fights)
Kenny Florian vs. Clay Guida
Kenny Florian switched trainers for this fight, moving North of the border to train with Firas and GSP in Montreal. Now, you’re probably wondering to yourself – does training with Canadians, in Canada, make one an honorary Canadian? To be honest, in some cases it would. In this particular situation it doesn’t, chiefly because Kenny Florian insists on going by the nickname KenFlo. Gross. Still, I’m picking The Flo to win, based on the fact that he’s fighting a Geico Caveman. Things have been working out very poorly for those guys ever since their show was canceled.
Kenny Florian via the theory of evolution
Jon Fitch vs. Mike Pierce
Okay, I’ll be honest with you. It’s likely that many of these predictions will turn out to be incorrect. I do have one fool-proof, money-in-the-bank, bet-a-night-with-your-girlfriend prediction for this card though. Specifically, that prediction is that this fight will go to decision. Anytime Jon Fitch is involved, you can be sure that it’s going to take up a solid 25 minutes of your Saturday night.
Jon Fitch via decision (predictable AND boring)
Frank Mir vs. Cheick Kongo
Okay – I actually feel pretty confident in this prediction as well. Kongo has relatively lousy submission defense, and Mir is probably one of the best 3-4 submission artists fighting at heavyweight in the world. It’s highly likely that at some point in this fight, Kongo is going to find himself being choked. It’s predictable. Here’s something else that is fairly predictable for me. As I’m tying this, my dog is staring at me AGAIN, acting like he wants to go for a walk. And once again, the temperature outside is -40 with the wind chill. You know how some people buy little jackets and boots for their dog, so that they are warm in the winter? I think I’m going to shave mine.
Mir via choke (asphyxiating)
Main Event
UFC Lightweight Championship
BJ Penn vs Diego Sanchez
It’s really important that you watch this.
Listen, I believe in the power of positive thinking as much as the next guy, but…
BJ Penn via “No” somersault
